Feeling the Signs of Healing

As the days quickly come and go, I continue to maneuver my way through the obstacles that my eating disorder recovery presents to me. As of late, my anxiety is at an all time high, self doubt runs through my veins like poison, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin/body and feel overwhelmed by my intense discomfort towards the unknown and the things I cannot control. Yet, something is noticeably different in how I’m facing and dealing with these emotional occurrences. First, I’m no longer trying to stop the ebb and flow of everyday life by resorting to the anesthetic effects of my eating disorder behaviors that I used to cope with my emotion and avoid the stressors in my life. Secondly, now instead of viewing my discomforts as bad and weak I’ve developed this new awareness by seeing and characterizing them as indicators and signs that I’m in fact healing.  Yet I feel so out of control as I continue to untangle myself from my disease but why?

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Shut Up, You Piece of Cotton!

Tuesday this past week, I walked around in an all gray outfit—sweatpants and a sweatshirt.  Both pieces of clothing are super comfy and when I wear them, I’m normally as happy as a clam.  Today, though, I wore them together and felt anything but content or cheerful.

When I bought my favorite shirt, a turquoise short-sleeved turtleneck, I thought I looked fabulous!  The first time I wore it out in public, I remember not having the same gratification as I had in the store.  The second time, though, I loved it again!  For the five years I’ve owned that shirt, I’ve gone from enjoying it or hating it countless times. Continue reading

I had no idea: How much I was tearing my family apart

Living with an eating disorder affects not only the individual person but also those around them. I remember waking up in the morning and hearing my mum arguing with my dad about what to give me for breakfast. One persuading the other that it wasn’t enough or it was too much or that I wouldn’t like it. Little disagreements such as this soon turned into bigger arguments the deeper and darker my eating disorder got. Of course I couldn’t quite see this at the time as all I cared about was the food they were going to give me and how I could avoid eating that food. Continue reading