Feeling the Signs of Healing

As the days quickly come and go, I continue to maneuver my way through the obstacles that my eating disorder recovery presents to me. As of late, my anxiety is at an all time high, self doubt runs through my veins like poison, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin/body and feel overwhelmed by my intense discomfort towards the unknown and the things I cannot control. Yet, something is noticeably different in how I’m facing and dealing with these emotional occurrences. First, I’m no longer trying to stop the ebb and flow of everyday life by resorting to the anesthetic effects of my eating disorder behaviors that I used to cope with my emotion and avoid the stressors in my life. Secondly, now instead of viewing my discomforts as bad and weak I’ve developed this new awareness by seeing and characterizing them as indicators and signs that I’m in fact healing.  Yet I feel so out of control as I continue to untangle myself from my disease but why?

7 Bits of Knowledge to Make You Slightly Happier Today

Every so often life throws undeniably rough situations. Fortunately though for us life also gives opportunities to increase our own happiness. Here are seven bits of knowledge that will make you a tad bit happier today and let you survive until the weekend.

Keeping Secrets Will Weigh You Down

Are you still keeping secrets? Secrets will weigh you down and keep you in the cycle of being sick given that eating disorders thrive and are maintained in secrecy. This disease has often been described as an illness of secrets with extreme attitudes and beliefs. How else could you binge, purge, deny yourself food or abusively exercise your calories away without it being done in a covert manner.

Shut Up, You Piece of Cotton!

Tuesday this past week, I walked around in an all gray outfit—sweatpants and a sweatshirt.  Both pieces of clothing are super comfy and when I wear them, I’m normally as happy as a clam.  Today, though, I wore them together and felt anything but content or cheerful.

When I bought my favorite shirt, a turquoise short-sleeved turtleneck, I thought I looked fabulous!  The first time I wore it out in public, I remember not having the same gratification as I had in the store.  The second time, though, I loved it again!  For the five years I’ve owned that shirt, I’ve gone from enjoying it or hating it countless times.

SILK Study: Long Obedience in the Same Direction

This past weekend, I had the privilege of going to the Jubilee Conference in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Thousands of college students were in attendance and man, did we praise God!  I trust what He saw in the hearts of many was pure elation and reverence for who He is.

I had no idea: How much I was tearing my family apart

Living with an eating disorder affects not only the individual person but also those around them. I remember waking up in the morning and hearing my mum arguing with my dad about what to give me for breakfast. One persuading the other that it wasn’t enough or it was too much or that I wouldn’t like it. Little disagreements such as this soon turned into bigger arguments the deeper and darker my eating disorder got. Of course I couldn’t quite see this at the time as all I cared about was the food they were going to give me and how I could avoid eating that food.

The thigh gap– a matter of anatomy

A quick glance at a magazine or at an underwear advertisement can show a female with a thigh gap. A thigh gap is desired and lusted over by an enormous amount of individuals. How wouldn’t want to get rid of the thighs that rub together during running, or that cause shorts to rid up?

WARNING: What follows may be triggering.  An example of a thigh gap is included after the break.  

Recovery Songs Playlist

I’ve surveyed my Facebook friends, asked around on my college campus and perused multiple websites to compile a list of songs that should pump anyone up!  Even if you don’t have an eating disorder, these songs can empower you to get things done–such as that homework assignment that’s been collecting dust or that crochet project you’ve been wanting to finish but haven’t gotten the chance to.  Anything!  These songs are here to inspire you as you go throughout your day.

Eating Disorders: An Outsider’s Perspective

The other day a middle-aged woman came into the café where I work in a rather sour mood. She ordered twelve mini-cinnamon rolls, three muffins, four cookies, and four brownies. While I packed up her order, she had an irritated look on her face and grumbled several times. This caused me to become unsettled and feel rushed when I was already trying to move as quickly as possible. “How is your day going?” I asked her. “Well my boss clocks me in and out,” she said, “and if I’m late I get reprimanded, even if it’s only by a few minutes. So I’m sorry for my attitude I just really need to get going.” From that I completely understood why she was in such a negative mood and helped her a tad bit faster.

I Had No Idea . . . Physicians Were So Misinformed About Eating Disorders

The primary oath that all physicians take is to “First Do No Harm”. The fact that my eating disorder was never recognized by any of my physicians and was only recognized and diagnosed when I was 24 years old and admitted myself into treatment at The Renfrew Center in Philadelphia harmed my ability to combat this disease and has prolonged my struggles. My eating disorder started when I was ten years old. Obviously at that age I didn’t know that’s what I was struggling and suffering with but all of my doctors missed the early symptoms, and warning signs. They missed that I was a prodigy tennis player and training as an athlete at a high performance level and depressed. They missed that my weight was constantly fluctuating; that I was always on diets and had many issues around food. My parents also missed and ignored all the signs and problems I was having and experiencing but that’s another story.